My Boyfriend Does Not Understand Me and I Feel Tortured - What Should I Do?

by Michelle Devani

To feel understood is one of the deepest human needs. But, to find a boyfriend who truly gets you is not an easy job. It might be tempting to brush off the signs your boyfriend does not understand you on a deep level because you are afraid you cannot find someone who does. However, staying with someone who does not get you tend to leave you feeling unheard, disempowered, and tortured.

In a relationship, there is a good chance that if you and your boyfriend do not understand each other, it will turn into an argument. If you do not feel listened to, respected for your opinions, and comfortable speaking your mind, then your relationship will not work out. However, it does not mean that it has to be the end of the road.

One thing you need to take note is you cannot force your boyfriend to always understand you or to feel things in the way that you yourself do because it is very unfair.

And if you are unhappy in your relationship, the two of you need to talk face-to-face. The only way to know how he feels is to ask him. The only way for him to know how you feel is for you to tell him. These are the things the two of you need to do. You may also read How to Solve Misunderstanding between Boyfriend and Girlfriend?

Written below are a few steps you can follow that may make it easier for your boyfriend to hear and understand you.

  1. Take Time to Know What is Really Torturing You

When you are upset, the chance is you probably talk to yourself a lot more often. You may confide in a close friend because you just want somebody to understand you. You need to take a moment to slow down and understand yourself, too. Try to listen to your own inner monologue before complaining or talking about your feelings with your boyfriend.

If it is hard for you to stop trashing him, try to change it into a new phrase in order to explore your perspective.

  1. Calm Down

If you are so upset that you are feeling on edge, try to take time to let your body calm down. If the problem you encounter is recent, and you are upset because of it, then let your thoughts and feelings settle before attempting to talk with your boyfriend.

At the very least, take 10 to 20 minutes to calm down, which is roughly how long your nervous system takes in order to feel calm again.

  1. Pick A Good Time to Discuss

Be considerate about picking a good time to discuss the issue. You and your boyfriend both need to be rested enough to concentrate. And obviously, you want to avoid interruptions at any cost, even from pets.

  1. Side With Clean Anger

Clean anger can inspire you and your boyfriend to discuss the issue calmly in order to make your relationship work. Dirty anger, however, is hurtful. It consists of eye rolling, dismissing, shaming, mocking or put-downs.

Dirty anger focuses on delivering a blow like damaging or insulting things while expressing your feelings. On the other hand, clean anger aims to enforce your relationship. Although clean anger may sound forceful, it is not at all scary.

  1. Listen to His Take

Listen to what his take on the issue because it means that you are allowing your boyfriend’s point of view to affect how you think. Respecting each other’s viewpoints helps you and your boyfriend both feel seen and understood.

You do not have to always agree or comply with everything he says though. But finding common ground and respecting his point of view makes your relationship feel better for both of you.

Even in disagreements, love and complete acceptance trump disagreement and repairs can be made.

  1. Keep the Environment Peaceful

It is crucial to keep the discussion civil and peaceful to avoid making your boyfriend feel threatened and uncomfortable. Research says that couples who maintain fond regard and keep a positive vibe going toward each other lean to have the most long-lasting and satisfying relationships.

  1. Respect Him

All relationships should be a good combination of sweetness and sourness. You and your boyfriend have to go through hardship to have a better understanding of each other’s character. Even long years are not enough to understand each other.

What is important is that you respect his feelings and what matters the most is that he is still with you and even if it is less, but yet he is giving you his time and attention. You may also read How to Let Your Boyfriend Know You Need More Attention.

So, those are a few steps you can follow that may make it easier for your boyfriend to hear and understand you.

Michelle Devani
My name is Michelle Devani, and I've been helping people with their relationships since 2003. In 2017 I decided it was about time I started a blog on the topic, and since then more than 2 million people worldwide have read my relationship advice. Drop me a comment below to let me know what you think.