My Wife Yelled At Me (9 Ways To Manage The Situation)

Last updated on April 14, 2024 by Michelle Devani

Fights are normal in any relationship, be it a romantic or platonic one. However, things can get a bit heated and uncomfortable when there’s constant yelling or exchanges of unpleasant words. As a husband, you probably want to feel in charge and in control of the relationship dynamics. Handling an angry wife was probably not one of the things you signed up for when you said ‘I do.’ 

However, if this is the first time your wife is yelling at you, it may be too early to rule it as domestic abuse. If this has been happening for some time, then it's important to start thinking about putting an end to such abusive behavior. The truth is, shouting and yelling abusive words is wrong on both sides. 

Your spouse has no right to put you through emotional abuse, but if you don’t handle things well, the situation may get worse. Plus, there will also be a dent in your self-esteem when an angry spouse starts with you. So, before you think of retaliating or exchanging words with her, here are some tips on what to do when your wife yells. 


9 Things To Do When Your Wife Yells

1. Don’t take the abuse

Verbal abuse can quickly become the norm when one party fails to address such abusive behavior. Plus, remaining calm or feeding the angry demands of your wife may only be the encouragement she needs to repeat the same behavior. 

So, while you don’t need to shout back or be equally abusive, it’s important to make it clear that such unacceptable behavior will not be tolerated. When abusive behavior is tolerated, it does not just affect the other party, but it can also lead to dysfunctional communication. 

Every time your wife feels overwhelmed or frustrated, she may easily resort to screaming just because it worked before. So, immediately she starts yelling, with a stern voice, letting her know that if she cannot respectfully pass her message across without raising her voice, you have the right to be somewhere else.

2. Stay calm

A lot of times, shouting at a partner can trigger physical violence because humans are naturally wired to be defensive. Nobody wants to be mistreated or embarrassed, especially in front of the kids, family members or even strangers. That’s why it’s so important to remain calm even though your wife is saying extremely demeaning things. 

Returning that same energy may be catastrophic, so it may be best not to go down that road. Rather, practice some breathing exercises to calm you down and maybe walk away if you need to. You can choose to handle the situation in your own way later, but at the point of confrontation, try to stay calm and think of the next best solution.

3. Think about strategic ways to handle the trait

Marriage problems start when two parties decide to ignore the writings on the wall. Having a temperamental wife may be hard to accept, still, you have to deal with the root cause. After she has calmed down, maybe it’s time to talk about what got her so angry in the first place. Always remember to be empathetic while asking such questions. 

Put your pride aside for a while and let her know you are coming from a place of love. The next thing to consider is managing the situation in the long run. So options like anger management classes, or therapy may help. If your wife has experienced sexual abuse, assault, or any type of abuse in the past, this may be the cause of her anger issues

Show her that you want to help, apart from suggesting tools to help control her temper, you can encourage her to attend couples therapy with you. 

4. Don’t try to advise her at the time

don’t try to advise her at the time

While yelling at a loved one is certainly unacceptable behavior, the time to start preaching is not at the time of confrontation. When people are angry, they almost don’t see reason until after. Many women will keep shouting until they feel their husband feels exactly how they feel. Unfortunately, that is rarely the case, because shouting is never the best way to convey a message in the first place. 

So, as her husband, maybe come up with a safe word that can be used in the house. This safe word serves the purpose of announcing when a partner feels hurt, disrespected, or frustrated by the other's action. That way, anytime your wife starts yelling and you say that she may try to control her temper and convey her message in a better way.

5. Make her feel heard

When your wife is feeling overwhelmed, one of the ways she may react to that is by shouting. At the time, she’s not thinking about how that could affect your marriage, because she feels burnt out, tired, drained, and unheard. 

So what you want to do is wait it out a bit, don’t try to interrupt her. Wait till she makes a long pause and say, “Babe, I hear you loud and clear, now take a breath and tell me how you’d like me to help.”

Saying things like this will show her that you care, and she may not have a problem calming down. However, if there are serious issues like borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder, it may take a bit more than kind words to settle her down.

6. Set healthy boundaries

When someone who is hurting starts demonstrating abusive behavior, it may be time to start re-setting those boundaries. It’s even more important in marriage because there are vows in place and commitments to uphold. That is not the time to regret ever meeting your spouse, you just have to think of ways to re-assert those boundaries. 

You’ll notice that many people try to drag their partners down an emotional hole with them. Others are just trying to get you to do for them, what they won’t do for themselves. In that case, it’s important to tell them, “ I will not be part of any unhealthy conversation or act.” this could then justify you walking out or remaining silent during a bout of anger later on.

7. Ask questions

While some people prefer not to talk when a partner is throwing tantrums, sometimes, asking the right questions could calm your wife down. Asking questions like, “Babe, what’s really the matter?” “Or why are you yelling when you can calmly tell me what’s going on?” may help her accept the fact that she is being slightly unreasonable. 

It will also show her that you’re ready to grant her a listening ear when she finally explains what’s really upsetting her.

8. Leave the scene

leave the scene

It is never too late or early to walk away from an unhealthy conversation. You always have the right to protect your space and feelings, so don’t feel like you’re abandoning your spouse. If the yelling continues in spite of all you’re trying to do to calm her down. Then it’s time to leave the room or house for a while and let her rest in her thoughts for a little bit.

9. Apologize if necessary

This point is so important because a lot of people just feel the need to apologize right away to put an end to the shouting. However, that would be encouraging bad behavior, so it’s best to withhold all those ‘sorries’ except you have actually done something bad. If she is yelling because of something you did to hurt her, then it’s safe to say that she wants you to accept the fault. 

Again, calmly and reassuringly tender an apology, and don’t try to justify your actions. On the other hand, if she’s yelling for something that almost doesn’t concern you or seems a bit unfair, then remember those healthy boundaries you have set and do the needful. 


What to do if your wife yells at you?

It’s never ever okay for a person to yell and shout, especially when they can communicate their feelings more in a more civil way. That’s why the first thing to do is find out why your wife is angry. If she’s stressed, having a bad day, overwhelmed or hurt, then it’s always easier to provide the necessary solutions. 

However, when you don't know the real reason for the screaming, all you’ll see is an angry spouse. So, instead of returning the same energy, try to calm her down and ask what the real problem is. Then be patient enough to sit with her and figure out the best way to improve her mood. 

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Is it normal for your spouse to yell at you?

Yelling is a common complaint in many marriages. It comes naturally to many, just the same way talking does. Unfortunately, regardless of how rampant it is, yelling is not normal. In fact, it is a major sign that something is not right. It doesn’t matter how often it happens, no one should have to tolerate yelling, especially in a marriage. 

Screaming over another person is a major dominating trait bullies are used to. It could also mean that the person has a short temper. Once you are married to someone who refuses to stop and hear their tone or someone who can’t control their temper, that can be characterized as domestic abuse.

 If your spouse does not yell at her friends and does that to you just because you are married, then they may also be taking advantage of the relationship. Such abusive relationships may also stem from pent-up anger or a partner with borderline personality disorder. 

How does yelling affect the marriage?

Here’s the thing, like a flame to a candle, yelling heats up the conversation and gives way to aggressive and violent behavior. This is because nobody likes to be treated like a child, not even children themselves. People love to be respected, loved and spoken to kindly. When this is absent, it creates an almost chaotic environment where anything goes. 

When you’re in a sexual relationship, things are already complicated as it is. Emotions will flare and when one person is shouting, the other will feel the need to be defensive. This could lead to an actual physical fight, a heated verbal exchange, or continuous malice. When children are involved, it’s even worse. Kids respond negatively to yelling, and most parents don't know the adverse effect it causes. 

First off, it makes them prone to aggressive behaviors and at some point, they will start mirroring such characters. Furthermore, it may cause low self-esteem, fear and in some cases, depression. 

How do you react to a disrespectful wife?

Don’t want to hear your wife yell anymore? Then it's time to shut that attitude down. Sure, this may sound easier than it actually is, but it’s not impossible. As human beings, we respond to boundaries, and most times, people will only continue talking because the other party continues to give. 

This is why when a spouse is being disrespectful, it’s important to let them know you will not be a party to such attitudes. It may aggravate them if you suddenly leave the scene, but that may just be the wake-up call they need. So, do not be hesitant to walk out and stay out until you feel it’s safe to go back home. Also, send a follow-up text that solidifies your stance on yelling and also one that urges them to calm down and communicate properly. 

What does being yelled at does to you?

Words may seem harmless and unimportant, but even the most well-meaning person could say things that stab harder than knives. Words are weapons you can’t retract, and that is why people keep saying you shouldn’t say things you will regret. Unfortunately, yelling doesn’t just bruise the ego initially, it has other underlying disadvantages. When yelling occurs, it’s not just your mental health that’s affected, they are other physiological responses the body undergoes.

 If something makes your wife yell at you, immediately she raises her voice, your blood pressure increases, your temperature could also rise, and all those emotional responses may affect your nervous system. Someone who is constantly yelled at may slowly but surely develop self-doubt, fear and self-esteem issues. It’s always better to wait and take a break rather than getting overwhelmed and shouting. It’s also important to respect the other party enough to treat them the same way you want to be treated. 

To Conclude

Emotional abuse is never an easy pill to swallow. However, managing unacceptable behavior is the only way to enjoy a healthy relationship. The only person that can truly get your wife to stop yelling, is her. So, the goal is actually to help her through any personal issues in order to avoid the long-term after-effects that come from yelling. 

I hope you enjoyed reading this list. Be sure to read through it again until you figure out the best solution among the ones provided that should work for your unique situation. Don’t forget to leave a comment below and share this article with others. Good luck and cheers. 

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Michelle Devani
My name is Michelle Devani, and I've been helping people with their relationships since 2003. In 2017 I decided it was about time I started a blog on the topic, and since then more than 2 million people worldwide have read my relationship advice. Drop me a comment below to let me know what you think.

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