Relationships are complicated. One minute, a girl can’t get enough of you, the next, she’s attending parties without you. Now, I know all about not wanting to be “that guy”. You know the one who tries to cage his girlfriend and dictate her every move.
But you are also only human, and worry just so happens to be part of the range of emotions you feel. If your girlfriend isn’t exactly doing something out of the ordinary at the party she’s attending, is it okay to have some reservations about it anyway? Is there a right or wrong way to act in such a situation? Let’s see, shall we?
Before losing your sh*t over your girlfriend going to a party without you, consider the fact that it may be one you have no business attending.
A girls-only affair, for instance, or an event she's only going to for work reasons. It could be a family thing, and your relationship isn't there yet, or she's saving you a couple of hours of snoozefest because she knows it's not your scene.
Also, consider who she's going with.
Familiar faces being there might help you realize it is harmless. Like going to a kickback with a sibling, work colleagues, or fellow boo 'd-up girls as opposed to a rave notorious for hooking up with single guy friends who evidently want her.
Another thing you can do is take a minute to appreciate the girl you are dating. An individual with a full life outside your relationship. Someone who doesn’t deem herself tethered to you so much that she can no longer make decisions for herself because there’s a significant other in the picture. She wanted to go to a party, so she did.
If she’s this kind of person, odds are her independence is part of the qualities that attracted you to her in the first place. If she hasn’t given you any reason to suspect foul play, then there’s no cause for alarm. It’ll probably make it an experience to talk about that you didn’t both live.
Conversely, you can take the time away from your girl to evaluate yourself frankly. Is it possible you’re taking things too far? Could your fixation on your girlfriend’s partying be stemming from an even bigger cause for concern? Is it just this particular party that worries you, or do you always get anxious whenever she’s out without you?
If you’ve had a previous relationship, were you like this with your ex as well, or has this particular babe done something to make you doubt her? Assuming the former, were you only concerned when your exes hung out with party girls and guys or whenever they were just out without you?
Doting, inseparable love may be cute, but it’s a slippery slope from there to becoming overly dependent on your partner, you know?
Honestly, asking for clarification on what you don’t understand should be the most normalized thing in relationships. Not only is it the best way to go if you’re looking for the correct answer instead of just possibilities, but it also saves you a lot of time and guesswork.
Does she think you're a party pooper? Does your dress sense need work? Is it a girls' night out? Is she just trying to spend time apart from her boyfriend, which is perfectly normal? Is she going there to sleep with a bunch of randy guys? I don’t know, but she does. Even if she can’t tell you the truth, the way she answers might be a hint in itself.
Doing this may very well leave you single at the end of the day, but hey, maybe not. If your relationship isn’t long-distance and you happen to know the event's details, like the when and where you can decide to surprise her by showing up. Best if everyone knows everyone, so anyone could have “dragged” you along.
You can always put a romantic spin on why you didn’t tell her you’d be attending or hope to catch her two-timing so why you’re there is not the immediate concern.
I should say, though, that if things aren’t rosy between you, it might come across as stalking her. And if you’re hoping to catch her red-handed, going about it this way lets her know you’re on to her, which will only make her more careful.
A less volatile and certainly more mature alternative is to let her do her thing and then express yourself afterward. And I know this is easier said when your brain isn’t doing the most, filling gaps that aren’t there between the drinking and other men being around your girlfriend.
Concentrating on anything else at that time may be challenging, especially if you know your girlfriend to be reallyfun at parties. But try not to lose control. Instead, concentrate your energy on trying to communicate the range of emotions her going without you makes you feel without sounding controlling or condescending.
Except for maybe hope she has a good time. That is, after all, why most people party. Take things at face value instead of overthinking/connecting dots that aren’t there, and know peace. You can’t stop your mind from working overtime, but you have some power over what you choose to dwell on.
And even if you can’t help spiraling, all you have to do is not show it to her. She doesn’t always need to know how insecure her spending time around other guys makes you feel, trust me, no girl wants a boyfriend she constantly has to reassure.
Let her have her few hours of drinking, dancing, and turning gross boys down undisturbed and chances are she’ll miss you after the party or perhaps even before it’s over.
If being idle makes it harder to stay still, find something equally (or almost as) rewarding to fill your time while she’s out. Maybe go to a party of your own, make a TikTok or two, or get your guys together for a chill hang.
It doesn’t have to be a tit-for-tat thing, just something to distract you, so you have less time to think about random guys grinding your girlfriend.
If your girlfriend tells you about the party, it’s probably because she knows you have faith in her and your relationship, even if she doesn’t ask you to come along. If you’re wondering what to do in that scenario, I think saying a simple “I trust you” says plenty.
It’s both affirming what she’s probably already banking on and a subtle reminder not to break your confidence. I’d work it into a conversation naturally, though, and not make a whole thing of it so she doesn’t go, “well, why wouldn’t you?” It’s a woman we’re talking about here; overthinking is kind of our thing.
It’s easy to climb a high horse and spin a sus move our partner makes, but it’s hardly ever an isolated event. It’s one thing for your girlfriend to go partying without you and another for her to go without even informing you. Naturally, the latter should raise more eyebrows.
But even if that’s your case, can you honestly say you don’t have a hand in it? Has she always been that way, or is this a recent development? Could you have reacted unreasonably to her partying without you in the past? Maybe you’re one of those guys with a double standard about things like this.
So, to avoid drama, she goes about her business knowing she doesn’t plan on being unfaithful anyway.
If you agree there are things in your relationship your partner can’t bring up because it’s almost guaranteed you’ll take it the wrong way, then your communication isn’t great. I don’t know about you, but someone I love finding it hard to share even the most immaterial things with me sounds to me like a reason to talk more.
Maybe it’s just me, but I expect someone I talk to as often as a boyfriend to know something’s up if I continually don’t tell him what I’m up to. Yes, even when it’s as basic as parties. Not talking about things means filling in the gap by yourself, and that’s how discrepancies creep in between what happens and what’s understood.
Then again, the takeaway here might not just be a few communication gaps but holes worth checking in your relationship as a whole. For starters, consider how often concerns like this arise: once or twice now, or a lot more frequently?
Also, what are you really worried about? Her safety or that she might cheat on you? If it’s the latter, doesn’t that imply a bigger issue worth addressing than just her affinity for parties?
Not to be the prophet of doom here, but you don’t need to be alerted to a satisfactory situation. Usually, when you relate to a wake-up call, it’s because your reality isn’t the quality you’d prefer. Have you tried all you can to express how it makes you feel a type of way that she parties without you? Do you suspect she's cheating or, worse, ashamed of being seen with you?
Maybe your ideal night being logging some quality time with your partner and hers being a night out on the town with her babes means more than you’re both willing to admit. Maybe it means you need to talk to your girlfriend more, or for you to finally realize that this is only one of many symptoms of your real issue: incompatibility.
Maybe the glaring difference in values and preferences means it’s time to find a more middle, middle ground, or finally do something more permanent about it.
Your girlfriend is her own person and can independently decide to do things. Being in a relationship does not mean you have to do everything together. Unless you have agreed as a couple not to attend parties separately, it is okay for your girlfriend to go to one without you.
Getting annoyed when your girlfriend is out without you can suggest you don’t trust her or that you are insecure that she will find someone better than you. Being overly dependent on your relationship makes this more likely because you have more to lose, which will only worsen your insecurity.
It depends on how often she goes clubbing and for what reason. If it’s every once in a while (which is relative based on how active her social life is), there’s probably nothing to worry about. If she clubs more often and usually without you, you might want to have a conversation with her about how that makes you feel.
Act the way you act with her naturally. It’s also perfectly fine to let the vibe of the party dictate. Not a lot changes at parties, you see, you’re still with your favorite person, just surrounded with more to drink than usual and a bunch of other moving bodies. Cuddle, mingle, make out, who cares?
It could be because it’s not your first or tenth rodeo watching a girl’s inhibitions lower with alcohol, and you don’t trust your girlfriend to have agency when drunk. Perhaps she has made a mistake when drunk before you still struggle with. Or you have internalized misogyny and don’t believe “ladies should drink.”
There is no one-size-fits-all approach to relationships, but good communication is pretty much a universal key, so, seriously, talk to your girlfriend.
There’s a lot more where this came from; if you’d like me to keep the tips coming, let me know what you think in the comments and share the article.