Sarcastic Things To Say To Haters (101 Witty Statements)

Last updated on December 12, 2022 by Michelle Devani

Does your lifestyle mean sometimes dealing with haters and rude people who, for some reason, feel entitled to an opinion on your life? 

Your haters may not be quite as overt, but the truth is they exist, and the beef can be lifelong regardless of what form they take. 

Now, ignoring them and focusing on yourself works, for the most part, but sometimes it takes engaging haters to put them in their place. And no better way to go about that than with wit, which is the part where I come in. Need help filling up your arsenal of witty comebacks? Say less. Below are way more sarcastic things to say to haters than you will ever need.

Contents

101 Sarcastic Things To Say To Haters

1. “You’re so fabulous, I bet you fart glitters.

This is for the haters who constantly put you down like they are perfect or something even if they obviously aren’t.

2. “I may not be perfect, but at least I’m not you.

i may not be perfect but at least i'm not you

There are probably worse things in this life than having a personality worth researching “sarcastic things to say to haters” for, but they are not that many.

3. “Remember when I asked for your opinion? Yeah, me neither.

Unsolicited judgment from the haters again? Did you ask for it? No? Tell ‘em that.

4. “What you heard about me isn’t true. I’m way worse.

Haters have a way of running with the worst possible view of you, real or imagined, so there’s really no point trying to change their mind.

5. “I’d love to agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.

Drive it home with a knowing smile so you seem even more confident in what you are saying.

6. “If I had a dollar for every smart thing you say, I’d be poor.

For a set of people who relish finding faults, haters sure like to dwell on the surface and miss your point on purpose if it feeds their agenda. That’s a ripe weakness waiting to be exploited against them.

7. “What’s it like walking around with a brain you never use?

This question sounds just about right for the wannabes and the stans who go around like programmed bots hating on any and everyone who isn’t on their side. 

8. “No, no need to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time.

One way to make haters feel stupid is to not only make it known that you don’t care what they have to say but also go out of your way to neglect them. Works whether you are talking in person or interacting online.

9. “If everything is for a reason, then the middle finger was made for you.

The sign language everyone understands.

10. “I’ve searched everywhere between the heavens and the earth and still can’t find where I asked for your opinion.

On days when you can’t be bothered to even pretend to be civil, be a little extra about letting them have it.

11. “Behold the land in which I grow my fucks, lay thine gaze upon it and see that it is barren.

Talk about being extra, this one is a personal favorite—a classic.

12. “I try not to doubt myself, that’s your thing.

It’s what the haters do. They doubt themselves and project their insecurities and failures on the people they wish they were. Be a shame to get them out of a routine. Let them keep at it so their little hearts can keep sinking every time you win.

13. “What’s it like having me as your trending topic day in, day out?

When you live rent-free in your haters’ head, and you know it. Whoever said haters are basically fans in denial had the right idea.

14. “Don’t you just love it when total strangers hate on you for simply being?

Haters will complain and bully you for daring to get by, thrive, evolve, or even hitting rock bottom. There is no form or logic to their ways. Put this out there and watch your haters spring to action trying to defend “why they do it.” 

15. “I have met some pricks in my time, but you, sir, are a cactus.

Some haters’ sole mission in your life is to take offense and instigate chaos around it. Some are the other way around, they live to offend you. Then every once in a while, a mix of both rolls around in a single person or a bunch of them, if you’re lucky.

16. “New phone, who dis?

new phone who dis

Perfect for when a hater tries to come back into your life from a familiar angle but you pretend you don’t know who they are, so they don’t get the satisfaction. This makes the undesirables feel insignificant, as they should.

17. “You don’t like me? No surprises there. I don’t do well with animals.

Get called a bitch, did you? Tell them it takes one to know one. Then again, calling some haters dogs is even an insult to pooches.

18. “Why, thank you for noticing my outfit!

Flattering stuff, really. Here’s one for rude people who are always quick to tell you what they hate about what you are wearing.

19. “I’m a bit busy now. Is it okay if I ignore you later?

Hating may be a full-time job for your haters, but if you have better things to do with your time than pretending to listen to them, here’s one way to raincheck.

20. “This is the grown-up table, kid. Go play in traffic or something.

You’d be telling your haters that the only thing you want from them at that moment is their absence. What they actually go and do is not your concern.

21. “Two wrongs don’t make a right. Your parents must know all about that.

Or do they? Not saying all haters become that way as a direct result of their parents’ flaws, but the apple truly doesn’t fall far from the tree sometimes.

Do you feel like he kind of takes you for granted?
Unfortunately this is one of the most frequent complaints we get from our readers, where they feel they aren't a priority for their boyfriend or husband. They always seem to have some excuse as to why they can't spend some quality time with you like they used to.

To see if he actually likes you take this quick free quiz and we'll let you know if it's worth putting any more time into this guy.

22. “See you in hell then?

Haters like so much to paint you in the worst possible light and act like there’s no redemption for you. It doesn’t hurt (not you, at least) to let them know you think the same fate awaits them and their worst version of you.

23. “The world is full of remarkably dumb people. Thanks for helping me realize that.

To the ones who represent the intellectual underprivileged in your orbit, you should obviously say thanks.

24. “Do you ever wonder what life would be like if your dad had just pulled out instead?

Here is another way of calling haters a stupid waste of space, which, it goes without saying, should be saved for a certified jerk.

25. “If I were your ass, I’d be jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth.

“What else does that mouth do, besides compete with your ass?”

26. “Mondays got nothing on you, dude.

Don’t we all just love Mondays?

27. “Have a good day, somewhere else.

This has to be one of my best retorts on this list. There are no insults to point at, yet the message couldn’t be clearer – you are not wanted here.

28. “Someday, you’ll go far. I hope you stay there.

Like, I wish you well and everything (because live and let live), but stay away from me though.

29. “Sorry, I zoned out wondering why in the hell you would think I cared.

When a passive-aggressive hater starts talking to you like you are friends or something, making you wonder what you did to give them such an outrageous idea.

30. “No, I checked. I didn’t order any of your BS.

For when you just aren’t buying whatever negativity they are peddling, so you try to nip that mother in the bud.

31. “Common sense is like deodorant, the ones who need it most never use it.

Imagine stinking up the place both physically and mentally and still having the audacity to judge others.

32. “Roses are red. Violets are blue. Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.

Three words: colors, poetry, facts. In other words, they can decide to keep their mouth shut, go express their freedom of speech elsewhere, or it can be done for them.

33. “Are you always this stupid or do I just bring out the best in you?

You know how someone can be effortlessly funny? Some haters are that way with stupidity that one just has to ask.

34. “Are you always this big an idiot, or do you just like to show off when I’m around?

Same sentiment as the above, but different words. 

35. “If you believed in yourself half as much as you hate me, I’d be down a fan.

Some haters are so dedicated to bringing you down that the effort makes you wonder why their own life isn’t any better. When they cross your path, thank them for the indirect motivation, and keep it moving.

36. “The jerk store called. They are running out of you.

Or the zoo called, you’re due back by 5. Or even your cranium called, it’s got some space to let. Or whatever George, Jerry, and Elaine said in Seinfeld.

37. “You don’t have to like me, dear. I’m not an Instagram post.

When your hater’s life is all about that taptap, and they think you’re sad because the sentiment is across the board.

38. “Is everything alright at home?

is everything alright at home

Bullies can dish out mean comments, but they often bruise just as easily. The best sarcastic things to say to haters are like this one, disguised under concern, given you’re not really asking because you care but to make them mad.

39.“Heal <3”

Jealousy is, after all, a disease. A single word, yet it says so much. No wonder gen Zs love it.

40. “I wouldn’t say I hate you, but if I had a glass of water and you were burning, I’d water my fake plant.

For the environment and all, because I mean, the world gains either way. 

41. “If you are waiting for me to care, you better pack a lunch. It’s going to be a while.

When haters put their life on hold waiting for you to slip up, you feel compelled to warn them because you are a nice person.

42. “I don’t know what’s more pathetic: you hating because you wish you were me or just... being you.

Imagine looking for an excuse to hate/pick on someone not because they deserve it but to feel relevant. If that isn’t downright pitiful, I don’t know what is.

43. “If your worst nightmare is a cutie like me, it must be quite nice being you.

In a world where most people are battling real ugly issues, what a privilege it must be for your haters’ most pressing problem to be someone as cute as you.

44. “There’s so much more for you to be mad about, just watch this space.

“More content in the making for you to hate on, sir/ma. Please hold while we process your order.”

45. “Gotta respect haters - someone has to do the job.

It’s a thankless, degrading, and quite frankly, pathetic gig to have. So it’s worth noting the commitment of your haters, at least.

46. “The U in you stands for unwanted.

As for guys who become mad haters and start to harass you when you reject them, I find rubbing the hint they suck so bad at taking in their face to be pretty effective. The ‘U’ can also stand for undesirable or ugly if you want to go there. 

47. “Zombies eat brains. How safe you must feel.

It takes being a different kind of ugly for not even a zombie to want to eat you. Given how it is usually remarkably dumb people forming bands of haters, this one is almost too easy.

48. “Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe, just maybe, you’ll find a brain back there.

Still on brains, never say never, right?

49. “I wish you were more fluent in silence.

Here’s another example of sarcastic things to say to haters to tell them you’re not interested in whatever they have to say without resorting to downright insults. It works both as a preemptive comment and as a comeback.

50. “No, cos I thought someone was talking.

This is basically gen z speak for, I hear words, but I know it can’t be me you’re talking to like that. Gives your haters ample chance to come correct and change their tone.

51. “You do you.

This is essentially you calling your haters’ bluff, asking them to do their worst, especially when said in a calm tone. 

52. “If you ran half as much as your mouth, you’d be in great shape!

Here’s one for the smartass haters who play verbal gymnastics forming hot takes about you like it’s their day job.

53. “Behind every success story is a bunch of people like you.

They say having haters means you must be doing something right. Draw confidence from that knowledge and let your haters know they are only encouraging you and not the other way around. That ought to make them mad.

54. “I don’t think I’m better than anyone, but I appreciate you thinking it.

Cheers to taking the compliment, am I right?

55. “You remind me a lot of clouds. When you go away, the day gets brighter.

Another spin on the “no one loves you” take. It almost always works because it’s a legitimate worry common to haters and bullies. 

56. “You must have so much going for you.

To practically live to table other people’s matters must be super fulfilling. Say this to the losers who hate on you because they clearly have nothing better to do, and make sure they can tell you’re being sarcastic.

57. “Who hurt you?

Like, how badly broken does someone have to be to consciously and incessantly choose to bully and hate on another person? 

58. “Sorry, I’m not fluent in bullsh*t. Can you translate?

Honor to whom it’s due: haters can be quite the expert in the use of BS. It’s almost as if it’s a rite of passage.

59. “What are you, 12?

what are you 12

Since haters tend to be childish, petty, and other ridiculousness you’d only expect from someone who doesn’t know better, calling their age (read: maturity) into question feels like a valid way to go.

60. “Hear that? That’s what it sounds like when I don’t give a fuck.

Pretty self-explanatory if you ask me.

61. “I understand if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.

Not everyone can get along quite alright, but when you actually make efforts on your part and haters make it difficult anyway, calling their taste into question might help shut it down.

62. “You hate me? Join the queue, dear.

If we’re being honest, your current set of haters won’t be the first, and neither are they likely to be the last. I wouldn’t let that worry you, though. Join the club because who doesn’t have haters?

63. “Life is good, you should get one.

Some good advice also works as a sarcastic response to haters, considering they wouldn’t spend so much time on you if they had something going for themselves.

64. “Why don’t you check eBay, maybe they have a life for sale.

On that note, you can take things up a notch by making some unsolicited recommendations of your own, see how they like that. Fits right up the alley of internet trolls.

65. “I’ve seen stupid before. But you are a discovery.

When a person’s idiocy is so amazing, you can help but pass it across to them as a backhanded compliment. 

66. “I’d blame your parents for the disservice to humanity that is you, but we all make mistakes.

If we all make mistakes, maybe haters are just proof of their respective parents’ cumulative ones? Then again, to err is human, plus accidents happen. 

67. “If I wanted to hear an ass talk, I’d fart.

Another popular one that gets the job done because newsflash: haters are assholes.

68. “You could die jumping from your ego to IQ.

It takes a disproportionate ego-to-IQ ratio to hate on someone to the point of them knowing, so you’d simply be stating the obvious if you said this.

69. “Okay but, where’s your off button?

Like, “cool talk, but where do I unfollow?” “Hi, how do you shut up?” “Where is the off button on this moron?”

70. “Cancel my sub because I don’t need your issues.

For the haters who used to be in your life in a different capacity, this is an excellent way to tell them their issues are no longer your concern.

71. “It’s fine if you don’t agree with me. I can’t force you to be right.

Remember the saying about the horse and the river? You can force the animal to the waterside, but it’s up to it to drink or not. Obviously, only use this when you couldn’t be surer about being right, so you don’t end up making a fool of yourself.

72. “Abracadabra. Nope! You are still a b!tch.

Some things even magic can’t fix. 

73. “I don’t hate you, I simply don’t think about you at all.

Haters in their weakness think hatred is the most hurtful thing ever, but it’s really indifference. Don’t give your haters the satisfaction of knowing they even bother you in the slightest

74. “Of course, I talk like an idiot. How else would you understand me?

Haters typically don’t have the strongest moral compass, especially when it comes to making their victims look bad. If someone tries to shame you by the way you look or talk, simply tell them you only do it that way to help them relate to you. Two can play their game.

75. “Get a straw cos you suck.

Take that, suckers!

76. “If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth.”

Wow.

77. “I wish you would give me the silent treatment. Forever.

Usually, the silent treatment should make you uneasy when it’s from someone you care about, but with haters, you can’t get enough of it to begin with.

78. “Underrate me. That’ll be fun.

It’s a promise that doesn’t give too much away so it’s the perfect cliffhanger. 

79. “Thank you for sharing. I assure you that we are all challenged by your unique perspective.

You’ve heard of killing them with kindness. Just because you find yourself in a situation where you have to be politically correct doesn’t mean you can’t still put haters in their place.

80. “There’s somebody for everyone, and that person for you is a therapist.

Try this with haters who clearly have psychological issues but would sooner hop on a bandwagon against others than seek help.

81. “Any fool can know. The point is to understand.

But I guess they wouldn’t be haters if they did.

82. “You know what, I hate me too. We should be friends.

The enemy of your enemy is your friend, right? You don’t have to mean it, it can just be a funny retort or even an icebreaker. 

83. “I’m sorry, is your hating on me supposed to bother me?

It’s not news that people only feel as important in your life as you make them. Remember what I mentioned above about indifference?

84. “How I sleep knowing my haters aren’t.

*insert a funny meme of you sleeping like a baby here.*” 

85. “Fair enough.

fair enough

Another response to comments from haters they’d naturally hope would rile you up that’s bound to disappoint them.

86. “Keep your mouth shut when you talk to me.

Respectfully.

87. “Do you have a life, or is hating like a full-time thing for you?

Unlike the above statement concluding your haters don’t have a life, this one being framed as a question forces them to hear the answer, if only in their head.

88. “It’s a shame you don’t like me. I’ll be sure to take some time to cry about it later.

As of right now, I’m in San Francisco jamming. In other words, haters can stew in their bitterness while you live your best life.

89. “Being bitter won’t clear your skin. You’re not aloe vera.

Everyone wants clear skin, right? You can let your haters know their current path of bitterness isn’t how to get it.

90. “Funny how I pull a you on you, and you call me ugly.

It’s quite ironic how of all people, these guys (haters) are always the quickest to get prickly when served a taste of their own medicine.

91. “Haters gonna hate. Potatoes gotta potate.

We all gotta do what we all gotta do.

92. “Listen, if karma doesn’t hit you, I will.

Karma doesn’t disappoint, though, so hopefully, there’s no need for you to make good on that promise, because you know, accidents happen.

93. “Hear that? It’s the sound of no one caring.

Casually make your antagonists feel stupid by pointing out that one cares about their ploy. It’s quite likely to work because it also hints at the kind of future that awaits haters if they don’t change their ways.

94. “Not even red wine can fix your ugly.

You know how you can get a little buzzed and start to see beauty where you initially didn’t? It’s apparently called the beer goggles phenomenon, but not even that can make haters beautiful once you’ve seen their true form.

95. “I’m not being rude. I’m just describing you.”

It’s not an insult if it’s true, is it?

96. “I won’t cry for you, my mascara’s too expensive.

― Adriana Lima.

97. “I would like to confirm that I do not care.

Just in case there has been a misconception by your haters you can’t stand, skip the nasty look and other passive-agro moves and just tell it to them straight.

98. “Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?

Two things:… *insert cute emoji* The first statement builds their hope, especially if you’re dealing with haters who act like friends, while the other one lets them know you see them as exactly what they are – haters, and nothing more.

99. “I’ll stop being sarcastic when you stop being such an idiot.

As there are varying categories to this haters thing, too, you can decide to strike a bargain with softcore ones – i.e., haters you know or hope can still get to listen/change.

100. “How long did it take you to come up with that one?

how long did it take you to come up with that one

Despite its humorous undertone, sarcasm is a game of wits that haters particularly don’t love to flop on. The quicker you can roll out the sass, usually, the better. So imagine the insult to them when you allude to the fact that they are not as smart as they seem.

101. “You are right, I’m sorry.

Finally, if you don’t have the strength to be arguing pointlessly with your haters, here’s an idea: tell them what they want to hear and do what you were going to do anyway. The perk? They may let their guard down if they think they’ve got you, leaving room for you to surprise them and have the last laugh.

FAQs

What is the best reply for haters?

They say the best way to reply to haters is to ignore them and walk away. Aka, pretend their hate doesn’t get to you, but it’s not the only way. A good sarcastic comeback can help save face and show you’re not a pushover. Agreeing with haters tends to shut them up quickly, too, because it’s the last thing they’d expect.

How do you annoy haters?

Haters, by definition, don’t like to see you prosper, so all you have to do to annoy/frustrate them is to flourish. Ignore their negativity, pick out the constructive criticisms and just be your free, funny, amazing self. If you have to interact with them, Jedi-mind trick them by being agreeable and kind.

What do you say to a hate comment?

That you hope the commenter heals, especially when their anger is unwarranted. Maybe recommend a psychiatrist if you are feeling generous. You can be sarcastic, address the issue seriously or even ignore/block, but try not to stoop to your hater’s level no matter what.

What are some of the best comebacks?

Your mouth must be jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth.” “I’d give you a nasty look, but I see you already got one.” ”Were you born this stupid, or did you have to take lessons?” “Have a nice day, somewhere else.” “If period cramps were a person, it’d be you.” “You are proof that evolution can go in reverse.”

How do you spot a hater?

A hater is someone who scrutinizes your every step and downplays or discredits your achievements. They are envious and are at their loudest when you fail or make mistakes. Haters bully and agree only on what you are doing wrong. Haters can also present as fans or friends, but they will be marked by sly, deceptive, and manipulative behavior.

To Conclude

So, that concludes my list of sarcastic things to say to haters. Remember, haters gonna hate, it’s their nature, so you do you, too. If you liked what you just read or have a few things to add, please use the comment box below and share the article.

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Michelle Devani
My name is Michelle Devani, and I've been helping people with their relationships since 2003. In 2017 I decided it was about time I started a blog on the topic, and since then more than 2 million people worldwide have read my relationship advice. Drop me a comment below to let me know what you think.

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